Vera Wang Quote

Coming from a dysfunctional family has its benefits.  When I look at the piles of historic black and white photos I can make their story anything I want.  Their eyes speak out yet their tales are silent. Yes, the many historic photos are my treasures because I can make them into any type of person I want – and I will.

Since momma died I’ve been searching for me – who am I? What do I want to do? What is my passion? Now that the only person that really truly cared about me has passed away who cares about my joys and sorrows?  I do.  I must.

A fellow writer shared a Vera Wang quote this week that helped give me some focus.  “When you have a passion for something then you tend, not only to be better at it, but you work harder at it too.”  She was born June 27, 1949, the same day but different year than my husband and oldest daughter.  The universe is full of Synchroncity, if we pay attention.

I know who I am, and I know what I want to do (write a historical fiction based on my family) and I know that my passion for helping people can occur in many ways.  What I need to do now is be open to that one new friend that I can help and will in turn help me.  They are out there, in the meantime, I’ll stay true to my vision and goals as I continue to learn to be flexible in the execution of those passions.

Until next time – – –

Mother’s Day 2017

Watching someone you love slowly deteriorate into a mass of humanity wrapped with pain was not the experience I expected with my mother during her last weeks on earth.  I thought the morphine and opioids would wrap here in silence as her body slowly shut down.  There wasn’t any conversation the last few weeks.  She couldn’t focus on one subject long enough to really discuss it.  I’d ask a question and she’d answer, and answer again and then again.  Or she’d ask me a question and then ask again and again, not being able to focus on the answer, her mind still stuck on the question.  I realized the days of our “conversations” were over. 

Starting last summer, we had talked about just everything I could think to ask her.  I knew one day we wouldn’t be able to share any more.  She wanted to know what I was going to do with the money she was leaving me.  I told her I was going to get a winter-worthy vehicle.  The minivan I have is not safe on slippery streets and was not 4 Wheel Drive.  She thought that would be a good way to take care of me.  We talked about maybe buying a few personal items, but nothing major.  We really didn’t need anything else.

That’s when the Murphy Gods stepped in and put us at the front end of a three-car accident in Lancaster, California 3 weeks ago and just a week after she died.  Minding our own business and heading to the China Restaurant for supper, a 16-year-old boy drove his “new to him” car into the Dodge Ram Pickup next to us and he rammed (no pun intended) into us.  The insurance companies will spend time arguing with each other as to whom will pay and I expect we’re going to end up on our own to repair it as his car wasn’t registered, it wasn’t insured and he had no driver’s license.  Sigh!!

With only 2 weeks before we leave for the first show of the year, we’re in no position to be looking for a truck to replace ours, and we can’t put it in the shop until after we return.  In addition, if the insurance companies decide we get to pay our $500 deductible and they give us a check for the balance of the $3,000 repair estimate should we really make the repairs or should we take that money and get a “new to us” truck.  In addition, should we spend the $3,000 the truck needs to tighten the front end and the steering? So many options.

We went to the Tree Nursery in Kanarraville Thursday and found the perfect tree for the flower box.  A lovely weeping spruce, so we went back today to get it.  At the end of one street was the brightest red Tahoe XL you’ve ever seen.  2001, 134,000 miles on it.  Original owner. Lived in the garage it’s whole life.  It was calling my name.  We stopped and looked at it on the way home and decided maybe it wasn’t the right fit.  A couple of hours later we were back talking about what we’re going to do with vehicles.  Tracy calls the owners and we go buy “Big Red”. Mom would approve – of both the new tree and the Tahoe.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!!

 

Goodbye My Friend

It was fun watching the Salt Lake City Soccer Team (RSL) play their game in the snow.  The ball didn’t roll away as fast, the players were ever cautious about slipping and getting hurt, and they won their first game since August of 2016.

After the news was over I looked outside and it was snowing here.  The weather man said it would, but it seemed like fiction – it’s April.  But April showers will bring May flowers.  And you know those are for the living. 

As Tracy finishes up fixing the front flower box I need to decide what flowers will live there and what native plants.  It will have water for the hot dry summer days but otherwise they will have to live on what mother nature provides.  That’s what my mother is doing these final days of her life – living off what she has within her and the morphine that smothers the pain from more suffering.  What a terrible way to end one’s life.  Whether you get treatment or not,  it saps your energy, life and spirits.  There’s no sense sending flowers while she’s still with me because she can’t see or smell them.  So I’ll just have to depend on her knowing that I’m with her in spirit. 

I’d plant her favorite pink rose, but the deer with eat them long before the aphids.  And carnations take too much water.  So pink penstemon will be planted in her remembrance.  Pink was her favorite color – she would have loved that 56 carat pink diamond (since she’s an April child) that was just at Sothebys.  She will pass on this week and I will be thankful for the snow.  The peace and quiet it provides as it covers the scars on the earth – much like death.  May you rest in peace my friend.

As for me, I shall begin life again, sine it too has been on hold since August of 2016, waiting for the phone to ring with a strange voice on the other end telling me my best friend has passed on.  I’ll miss her – but I’ll watch for the pink penstemon to bloom each year and remember.

A Look Back at 2016

It’s past time for my annual review of goals, but I’m going to do it anyway.  I usually try to write this prior to Winter Solstice, but this year it’s been hard to focus. 

My Mother had taken the time to reflect on the past year and commented that she had no idea how I had managed to get through 2016, little alone reach any of my goals.  I thought about that and decided I should look back at the year first, then look at what I might have accomplished.

We started the year living in our 25’ travel trailer.  We had sold our home in Escalante, UT and had purchased a new (to us) home in Enoch, but had allowed the sellers to rent back until February 1st.  We put everything we owned in our commercial building in Escalante and went to Quartzsite, AZ for the month of January.  Tracy was changing his hobby/craft one more time from photography to lapidary arts and needed some equipment.

It didn’t take him long to find an 18” and a 24” rock saw.  The bigger problem was how to get them home.  “No problem”, he says.  “We’ll buy a utility trailer and run them home”.  After driving nearly every street in Quartzsite, we finally found an old beater that would work.  It looked like the devil, but was of sound structure and had bigger tires than most.  The saw dealer arranged for the parks’ forklift use and the saws were loaded in no time.

I took advantage of the opportunity and purchased an old mine car complete with rails for front yard décor.  It just fit in the unused trailer space.  We hooked that poor trailer to the truck and headed for Enoch.  That was after we spent a whole day wiring the lights on the trailer.  The ones there didn’t work and we couldn’t haul it 500 miles through 3 states without lights. 

It was a 3-day “adventure” to “run” the trailer home, park it and return. Sore rumps and wet weather made for a “just drive” trip.  On the return trip, we got to the motel at Henderson and were greeted with a pack of big horn sheep. Not something you expect to see in the heart of the Las Vegas Valley.  But all that lovely, well-kept grass was too much to resist for their afternoon nap in the shade of the city park trees.

We returned to Quartzsite for some beads, picks, signs, and the 6 buckets of rough rock we purchased at the Saturday Auction.  Those and the 4 buckets of found rock were tucked under the trailer and we headed to La Mesa, Ca. to see my mom.

Her health has continued to decline and as trustee for the Family trust I needed to gather paperwork for the tax returns.  We took her to Balboa Park and the natural History Museum.  She had ever been.  It’s a place I spent many hours as a teenager, meditating as the pendulum clock knocked over little wooden pegs that marked every 5 minutes, as it swayed back and forth in long arcs across the shiny floor.

Time to return to Quartzsite and retrieve the trailer and rocks.  The sellers had left our new home the 15th of January and the house was ready for repairs.  We were ready for our next major adventure – or so we thought.

Until next time – – –

I’m A No. 2

I’ve had lots of callings in my life.  Each one with a unique focus and outcome.  Most I’ve just followed along not questioning.  Others, I’ve fretted and cried over and wished I was somewhere else.  When I finally allowed things to evolve I realized why I was there.  And one, I didn’t realize until it was no longer part of my life, how I failed to achieve the desired result.

As a Leo I’m pretty Type A and love being in the spotlight.  The many years I played in an orchestra I enjoyed the limelight as much as the actual playing.  When I was a Congressional Aide I thrived in the spotlight and having the power to help people solve their problems.  What took me many years to acknowledge and learn to deal with?  I’m not a No. 1, I’m a No. 2.  My purpose is to support someone in a leading role.  Help orchestrate results and outcomes.  Help ease the journey for the person taking the lead.  I’m really good at that and that’s what I’m doing now with my best friend and spouse, Tracy.

Currently we’re in the process of building his workshop for lapidary and other works of art.  It’s basically constructed but now needs painting, lights, and cupboards.  He’ll spend the next two-three weeks getting all that finished.  With 90+ degree weather, he’s happy to be inside with air conditioning.  He ended up at the local ER for heat exhaustion last week, so getting him out of the excess heat has been the goal.

Now I can settle down and get some of my “to do” list checked off.  First, rewrite my bio on Linked In to focus on the baskets and bead work.  I really want to promote the custom ornaments.  At $100 each I can make a reasonable return on my investment of time. They make such a wonderful wedding gift.  And the rock candy baskets are perfect for kids.  At $7.50 they are an affordable gift for grandparents to make.  Those are only available at the rock and gem shows.

It’s going to be a good year, even though I’m losing my mom to Ovarian cancer.  She’s in stage 4, and sleeps most of the day and all night.  Her Hospice nurse gave her 2 months just about 2 months ago.  I’m expecting to get a call any day that she passed in her sleep.  That’s her wish, and mine as well.  She’s on stronger doses of morphine each week and now that she won’t be receiving her gamma globulin infusions we expect she will contract Pneumonia before long as she depends on her oxygen system to breathe. A sad end, but I’m so proud of her.  She’s trying to be very brave and we try and talk every day.  Sometimes she’s just in too much pain or very sleepy from the meds.

Two weeks ago we traveled to see her, probably for the last time.  We spent time talking about all sorts of things.  She told me some new stories which I’ve written down.  We took her out for one last luncheon at her favorite restaurant.  The last day Tracy spent time watching the flowers bloom while we had “girl time”.  We lay on her bed, because she’s too weak to stand up for very long.  She lay in my arms and we hugged, cried, laughed, shared stories, and said goodbye.  And then we left for home.

All the business of passing on is ready.  As her No. 2 I’ve tried to make her shine and keep her from feeling alone.  I will miss her, but know that she is at peace and after 25 years of pain from spinal stenosis, pain free.  I’m proud to have been her No. 2.  I’m grateful that I know what my calling is.  It gives me peace.

Until next time – – –